I was recently interviewed for an article on fertility preservation for the magazine Today’s Chicago Woman. I referred the writer to my blog and sent her the links to the 3 posts I wrote about the fertility preservation process. Well, today I went back and read those 3 posts myself to see just what exactly I had sent this woman to read. I was struck by my own optimism and blind sense of hope. I have an understanding that generally I am a very positive outlook kind of gal, but lately I’ve been more blah than rah.
This quote struck me the hardest. It’s from my post on December 26, 2011, Baby Baker:
Needless to say, I’m not worried about the cancer. I know that I’m working with the best team available to me. I have every faith in the world that I will get through this and come out the other side a survivor. Yes, it sucks that this is the hand I was dealt, but honestly, we all have some crappy cards in our hands. The thing that upsets me most is that the cancer is affecting my fertility.
I feel both naive and duped when I read these words. But the part of me that stays strong and focused when the rest of me needs to fall apart reminds me that I had every reason on December 26, 2011, to believe that this cancer would go away with the first round of treatment and that my life would go on in a fairly normal way. There was little evidence presented to me that this journey would stretch out for over a year (and counting).
The update on my feelings in the baby department… since my surgery in October, it’s been really difficult for me to hear people talk about their pregnancies. I seem to be better about seeing an actual baby, and I try very hard to put my own losses aside and celebrate my friends’ growing families. I also always thought that by the time I was 32, I would be well on my way to creating a family. I keep having to remind myself that, fertility issues aside, I am hardly in a place to be bringing another life into this world! So even if I could carry a baby in my own body, today is not that day, and tomorrow probably isn’t either. I’m coming back around to fantasizing about what my kids will be like. I think about names and what they will look like and how hard I will love them. I also think about who will carry them, and maybe I’ll adopt, and I would be ok with just one baby even though I’m fairly certain I’ll get twins on the first try. It’s something exciting to distract me from the rest of the nonsense going on in my head.