Monthly Archives: November 2012

It’s Different When You Stand

Guys will never truly understand what women do in the bathroom. Questions arise like,

“What takes you so long??” or “Why do you always have to go in groups??” or “Why do we go through so much toilet paper?!”

Guys, I’m not here to put your minds at ease. Rather, ladies, I plan to unravel some of the mystery that surrounds what happens when guys take to the toilets. My girl friends and I have a collective 4,682 years of dating under our belts (so to speak… er… well…), and in all those years we’ve noticed a thing or two about how disgusting men are when they pee. Things like:

  • Not washing their hands after they pee. Only when they poo.
  • Drops of pee landing on the floor… and not cleaning it up.
  • Pee crusting out the rim of the toilet.
  • Forgetting to flush (really?).
  • Not putting the seat down. Ever.

Recently I’ve gained some perspective in this department. While the plastic surgeon did NOT fashion a new penis for me, the urologist DID give me a fancy bag that hangs from my stomach and collects my urine. And while I think that at some point in the future we will all look back on this barbaric procedure with utter disbelief that humans were actually this stupid, the fact remains that today my bag and I pee standing up.

Let me outframe for a second to highlight some of the perks here- no longer do I have to put my bare butt on a public toilet seat… or hover above it. Gone are the days of fearing for my socks when peeing in the woods. And when it finally snows, you’d better believe I’m at least attempting to write my name.

Ok, back to unraveling this mystery.

Not washing their hands when they pee. This is inexcusable, and I have nothing further to say on the matter.

Drops of pee landing on the floor. We used to think that guys were just lazy in the bathroom. That at the end of the pee, somehow the last few drops did not end up in their pants but rather on the floor near the toilet, like little wet targets for our nice dry socks. It suffices to say, this may be true for some poor bastards, but generally there’s another evil at play here- It splashes. It hits me in the legs, it lands on the rim, on the floor. There’s really no way to be sure where it is. So trying to find the pee droplets to clean them up would prove to be a laborious task. And one that I’m not willing to take on. If I see the drops, of course I wipe them up, but I’m certainly not busting out the flashlight to search for them, and no guy should either.

Pee crusting the rim. Please see above explanation about splashing. All I can say is that sometimes I honestly don’t see it.

Forgetting to flush. Yes. This really happens. It has happened to me on more than one occasion in the few short months since I’ve been a stander. I’m tempted to say that I forget because I’m used to the routine of having to wipe, stand up, pull up my pants, turn around and then flush. And now I’m not doing any of that. I get it. Guys have no such excuse. They’ve been standing their entire house broken lives. But, there’s something about the fact that I’m already standing that makes walking over to the sink, albeit prematurely, easy.

Not putting the seat down. Please see above comment about not flushing. If I don’t remember to flush, it stands to reason that I’m not going to remember to put the seat down. But in the event that I do flush… My brain believes that the next time (or seven) that I use this toilet will be to pee and I’m just going to have to raise the seat again, so why bother? Let me follow up by saying that I’m a firm believer that the toilet seat should be closed at all times when not in use. Having an open bowl is just an invitation for the toilet devil to throw my make-up and my iphone right in there. Nope… close it. So I want to kick my own ass when I forget to put the seat down. But it happens.

Ok, there it is. I hope this shines some light on the subject matter for you, ladies. And I feel like I might have a few apologetic calls to make to an ex-boyfriend or two after I post this.

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Cancer Free!

The surgery itself went well. It went a bit longer than expected. They estimated 6-8 hours, and it ended up taking closer to 12. I lost a lot of blood and was given a lot of fluids to replace it (I came out weighing 18 pounds more than when I went in). But for the most part there weren’t any real complications.
The surgeons ended up doing exactly what they planned to do. I had a radical hysterectomy (including the ovaries)- which was no big deal since none of those parts worked after the initial rounds of radiation I did back in February. They also removed an entire chain of lymph nodes and some surrounding tissue, my entire vagina, urethra, and bladder. There was nothing wrong with the urethra or bladder, they just happened to be in the way. After they took everything out and tested all the margins to ensure they got all the known cancer (which they did, yay!), they did radiation directly into my body cavity, along my pelvic wall. This was an attempt to get any cancer that they couldn’t see. Then the urologist came in and rerouted my urinary tract. I now have a urostomy, which is a bag that hangs from my belly and collects urine. Here’s a pretty good explanation:
Then a plastic surgeon came in and recreated my vagina using the left half of my ab muscles and the skin that covers them. Imagine a six pack on my stomach. My new vagina is made up of the top two left cans in my six pack (from the outside everything looks normal down in my lady parts). They then had to stretch my skin to cover the missing part on my belly- and as you know, I’m not a large person, so there was a lot of stretching that had to be done! This was one moment in my life when I wish that I was a little chubby. Extra skin would have been super nice right then. I have a scar that runs down the middle of my abdomen from just between my boobs, down around my belly button and into my pubic hair.
As for recovery, things are going pretty well. I spent 16 days in the Mayo Clinic and a few extra days in Rochester after I was discharged. I was admitted to the hospital in StLouis a couple weeks after I got back for dehydration and constipation. I also got a blood transfusion while I was there. That was last week. Since then, things are going fairly well. My appetite is hit or miss and I have 15-20 pounds to gain. I’m down to about 115. In June, I weighed about 130… so there’s some perspective. I’m skinny and it’s driving me nuts!!! I sleep a lot, but I’m not taking my pain meds nearly as often as I was even last week, so that’s good. It’s slow going for sure, but I feel better every day and that’s a good thing.

As of today, I am cancer free. I feel cancer free too! I don’t know if you remember, but after my first round of treatment, I still had a feeling that it was in there lurking. I hope that this is the end of my journey with cancer in my body and that from here on out it will just be advocacy for me!

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